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Twelve Ways to Serial Killer a Visola

I promised my friend T I would write this, but not in the way I actually ended up writing it. For that I am sorry.

For the rest, oh yeah I’m absolutely sorry. This is the most ridiculous thing but maybe I can’t write serious things anymore.

They are in the particular order of not being in order, so please try to use it as a manual so I can laugh like I cackled during my wedding vows. My ex-husband can attest to the honesty of this ridiculousness of this list. So, here’s a semi-real list of ways to catch me if you’re a serial killer. I promise I will say, “This is how I die” every time I say yes to any of them, even if no one else hears me say it.

  1. “I saw the cloud patterns this afternoon and realized we’re going to have an amazing sunset. I have this spot on a bench in an industrial wasteland that’s perfect. I’ll pack a picnic if you’ll meet me there for our first date.”
  2. “I have my great grandmother’s lasagna recipe and I’ve been making it since I was in grade school. I would love you to hang out with me while I’m cooking.”
  3. “In my liquor cabinet are three types of Irish whiskey and a myriad of options for cocktails. Why don’t you come over and I’ll make you a series of specialty drinks?”
  4. “My motorcycle has an engine with the smoothest purr and I would love to pick you up for a ride.”
  5. “Do you know we have the exact same planner? I also have this specialty stationary and make paper. Would you like to make paper with me as a first activity?”
  6. Garlic Bread has a Tinder account and we’ve already matched. Anything Garlic Bread invites me to I will say yes to.
  7. I saw them playing their double bass as though they were caressing a long lost lover. The known intimacy of their bodies with years of longing and dreaming shone through every string. If they had asked me to help them get their bass home safely, no one would have ever seen me again.
  8. “I am offering cunnilingus all night. I’m only looking for one night stands and I’m not interested in sex. This is my favorite thing and I will probably enjoy it more than you. I don’t want anything from you.”
  9. A series of well-lit artist photos of their own hands (working, demonstrating, or otherwise gesticulating) sent all at once with an invite to wherever they are.
  10. For my first coffee, he brought me back to his dorm room and pulled out his travel kit. He said, “This is Cubano Coffee from my father’s coffee shop in Miami and this is how we make it.” I’m not sure how I’m still alive.
  11. “My mortar and pestle are out because I have fresh basil and I want to make you pesto for our first date.”
  12. Last year I found the perfect bench at the end of the world to watch the sunrise like foolish teenagers. My unofficial invitation to meet me there stands. One of us is probably a serial killer and I think we can both accept this.

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